HEY YOU. Do you want to watch a movie about Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman doing it?! …STOP LAUGHING I AM SERIOUS. Okay, okay I get it. Okay. GONNA REVIEW IT ANYWAY.
SO, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are acquaintances that keep bumping into each other all the time (It’s a modern day When Harry Met Sally!). She’s a totally legitimate doctor that lives with her fav doctor roommates, played by Mindy Kaling and Greta Gerwig (OMG GRETA GERWIG MARRY ME, PLEASE), and they are living the sweet life just hanging around and syncing their periods (Natalie Portman’s is on shuffle!), and making homemade potpourri while talking about how they never get laid. (HIGH FIVE, GIRLFRIEND!!)
Ashton Kutcher has an “industry” job, meaning he works as a production assistant on a TV show that is NOT High School Musical. (JK it totally is.) Kutcher has big dreams of… wanting to be a writer on High School Musical 8 (or the equivalent), but his boss is a very mean lady who says he can’t write an episode because that’s not his job, and then she disrobes and lights him on fire while dancing around his charred, screeching body. (FACTUAL.)
Kutcher is a weeping willow in disguise as a human because his girlfriend left him eight months ago and now he has nothing left but his friend Ludacris (Confidential to movie studios: Stop. Letting. Him. Act.) and his hornball dad. Unfortunately for Kutcher, Daddy McHornypants (Kevin Kline, just being himself) decided that the love of his life is none other than Kutcher’s ex girlfriend. The one he was pining over. Thankfully, Ludacris is around to ease the tension (NOT REALLY. Kids: don’t befriend Ludacris. He is emotionally draining).
Because the best cure for a broken heart is a hookup, Kutcher indiscriminately calls every woman in his phonebook, and somehow wakes up nude and intoxicated in the lady doctor’s den. STOP FANNING YOURSELVES, WOMEN. No sexytimes were had. Just, as it turns out, Kutcher likes to disrobe himself and force groups of random women to stare in astonishment at his nakedness.
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, Portman and Kutcher become lovers and decide to “keep it casual.” No strings in this movie! Absolutely no strings.But then, like those tiny strands that held up the creepy Justin Timberlake doll in the “It’s Gonna Be Me” video, STRINGS APPEAR. Kutcher sees Portman hanging out with another male and is all like “Oh no, bro. You can not be hanging out with this chick because sometimes we sleep together even though we are not emotionally invested.” and then the bro counters with “I’M RICH I DO WHAT I WANT” and then aggressively high-fives himself.
Kutcher realizes that he doesn’t want Portman to see the other dude because he likes her, so he decides to tell Portman that he wants to be exclusive in every indirect way he can possibly find (Gifts! As every non-mistress knows, giving gifts = love). Later, Kutcher decides to tell Portman, and Portman blows a fuse and is all like “NO I WILL HURT YOU” and then leaves him alone. Good job not hurting him! HIGH FIVE, GIRLFRIEND.
Kutcher ends up having to go to the hospital, because Kevin Kline had too much Purple Drank (This is not a joke. Seriously.), and Kutcher’s ex girlfriend (the one who is with Kline now) decides that she is sick of Kline’s aging and leaves to go to a party.
Later, Portman goes to a wedding, where she discovers how completely unhappy she is (as women at weddings are wont to do), and then comes back for Kutcher. BIG LOVE CONFESSION HAPPY ENDING TIME.
Eh… I need a beer.